In Part 1 of this 3-part series I introduced the difference between emotions and feelings. I also explored how workplace policies and procedures have been an overused tool to help create structure, define behaviour expectations, set boundaries and streamline processes. Unfortunately, instead of promoting a workplace built on empowering employees and transparent leadership, policies and procedures have removed many opportunities to discuss an employee’s individual talents, needs and goals in a meaningful way and that help inspire and motivate us.
Now let continue that exploration by discussing the relationship between emotions, feelings and trust.
What About Trust?
“Trust is a complex feeling that derives from lack of anxiety and the ensuing sense of safety and security and is perhaps the most important interpersonal feeling,” says Les Greenberg, an internationally recognized psychologist, author and speaker who specializes in Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) .1 Lasting relationships require trust; they even depend on trust being present. To trust the people around us we first have to learn to trust ourselves and feel safe sharing who we are, our thoughts and our ideas. Eventually, trust leads to unlimited confidence, creativity and commitment for all… including the company.
Once we learn to know and trust ourselves, it then becomes important to trust the people around us and know we can share our emotions. This trust only comes when we know we will be respected (and we will respect others) even when we share different experiences or points of view.
The more time we spend with our emotions the better we are at knowing why we have certain feelings.
Trust is one feeling we all want to experience. To trust someone, we must feel safe. If we are having a conversation with people we trust, we are more likely going to feel positive emotional triggers like interest, respect, collaboration and support. Trust feels good. When we have a conversation with people we don’t trust it will likely experience emotions like apprehension, being scared, hostility, frustration and perhaps regret.
At a corporate level, to be competitive, creative and strive for greatness means we have to create workspaces where employees, suppliers and clients feel safe and trust they can be their unique selves and draw on each other. This requires building corporate cultures that help employees intentionally strive to create and embrace emotional maturity. This is critically important and why companies have to help employees learn how to recognize and respect their emotions… and the emotions of others.
Hopefully your culture is learning that everyone is happier and more productive when we:
- Learn how to connect with our feelings and emotions
- Develop trusting and respectful environments
- Feel connected to ourselves, our co-workers, our work and our company
- Agree with and actively demonstrate company values
- Clearly manage expectations
- Choose to have difficult conversations in an open, trusting and respectful way
The Benefit of Knowing Our Emotions and Feelings
The first important step in understanding and managing emotions is to be aware of them… to notice when they are happening instead of ignoring or supressing them. Whether we are aware of our emotions or not, they always influence how we act. When we are present (mindful) and aware of our emotions we are best able to move on to the second important step of interpreting and understanding the feelings we are experiencing; and be able to make good choices when we respond.
Whether we are aware of our emotions or not, they always influence how we act.
The benefit of paying attention to our feelings and understanding our emotions is that we have lots more information about what is important to us. And, when we listen to other peoples’ emotions instead of only their words, their emotions will give us insight into what is important to them. The type of emotion they are having and the intensity of that emotion are all clues / information we can use. For example, are they feeling disrespected, ignored and undervalued or are they feeling proud and relevant? When we pay attention to emotions we will begin to build a reputation as a good listener who is empathic and caring… and this is key to being trustworthy.
Of course this is an area we should also tread lightly. For example, as we explore what other people may be feeling / needing, facing these emotions may be new for them and they may not fully understand them or be ready to share them with others / you. This is important and we should tread lightly. Emotions are deeply personal and for many people… private even. We may also not accurately identify someone else’s emotion. And, even if we are right at identifying their emotions they may not be ready to feel them, deal with them or want to share them with us.
It’s Dangerous When We Aren’t Aware Of Our Emotions
Emotions like fear, anger, frustration, disappointment can shut us down when it’s actually most important for us to stay present. Like Greenberg says, “Our emotions are an important source of helpful information”.1 When we aren’t aware of our emotions or don’t know how to manage them it often means we react instinctively… and that’s bad. Don’t get me wrong, reacting on instinct is great when we are in mortal danger, but within our personal relationships or when we are in a business meeting, responding with thoughtful intention is what is most important.
Reacting is usually not good – responding is usually very good.
When we react, we usually stop listening or worse, we stop thinking about what we are saying. In the heat of the moment we are more likely to say or do something we will soon regret. This is a risk to our reputation. You and I have all been in a situation when we did something we regretted. And then after that moment is done, we usually say something like “I don’t know what came over me”, or “That really isn’t who I am”. The thing is, others are far more likely to remember that one time when we behaved badly and forget the many times when we’ve behaved well. Our personal and professional brand is always developed based on other peoples experiences with us.
Knowing Our Emotions Is Empowering And Helps Us Build Trust
Knowing our emotions is the only way to be able to use them productively.
Our emotions can help us achieve great things at work or avoid challenging situations. We can trust how we are going to respond when we learn how to manage our positive and negative feelings and emotions. For example:
- Emotions can drive us to excellence. Emotions like motivation, curiosity and pride keep us interested and drive us to be creative, to learn new skills and look at challenges as opportunities.
- Emotions like gratitude and trust empower a relationship or a project in amazing ways.
- Emotions like fear and worry put us on our guard and often get us to slow down and be more careful.
As leaders we have to manage a myriad of difficult conversations.
When we know our emotions and feelings, we can safely exhibit curiosity and ask people to clarify a point they are making without unintentionally triggering them. And, if we recognize we are feeling defensive we can choose to talk about that emotion and therefore often diffuse the tension within us and within our other stakeholder without doing or saying something we would regret later.
As leaders, we have to manage a myriad of difficult conversations.
Conclusion / Summary
Knowing ourselves and how we can use our emotional intelligence and empathy to understand what others feeling / needing will help us. Every situation from working through different opinions and goals on a project to giving someone constructive feedback to sharing a bad performance review will be better when we know our emotions and are able to recognize and control our positive and negative triggers. But remember, even when our empathy is turned on, we can guess what others may be feeling but we can never be certain; tread lightly.
As I said above, lasting relationships require trust. We have to be trustworthy and we have to trust others. To trust the people around us we first have to learn to trust ourselves and feel safe sharing who we are, our thoughts and our ideas.
1: Les Greenberg is a psychologistwho specializes in Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is all about gaining a greater awareness of our emotions, and other people’s emotions – and building strategies to help them respond in a positive way – and if they have maladaptive feelings, to work on transforming those emotions from their negative state to a positive state. Les is also the author of the book ‘Changing Emotions with Emotions’.
Click Here for: Being Aware Of Our Emotions At Work Is Important, Part 1
Click Here for: Being Aware Of Our Emotions At Work Is Important, Part 3: Going Deeper
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About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.
Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.
Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.
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